may 18th
we're buying a car tonight. it's the first -big- thing we've ever purchased together. it's blue and it's beautiful.
today is my mom's birthday. it's also the 25th anniversary of when mt. st. helens erupted. i remember being younger and reading that and feeling a) happy that there were fireworks for mom's birthday, and b) jealous that nothing of any historical significance happened on my birthday. when you're little, you get your worth from such things. anyway, so i looked for anything remotely important that happened on march 19. however, after a little searching, i found that grover cleveland was born on march 18. and at the time, i thought he was the one who got stuck in the presidential bathtub, and i was sorely disappointed (in actuality, it was president taft who got stuck, and his birthday is september 15).
two week's notice
i put my two weeks in at work today. it felt oddly grown-up and frightening. but, now that it's over, i can look forward to a new job....an actual career. i think i still need to make sure i'm not getting my value from my occupation. all this talk about healthy narcicissm (sp?), i know it's out there, but it's a fine line. is it selfish to look for something that will better yourself - the motives are selfish (a better life for me), so wouldn't that be wrong?
i don't know. but i have a lot of encouragement. and dad called early this morning to say he was praying for me and he feels good about it. i think i can count the times that my dad has called on one hand (sure, i'll talk whenever i call home, or when they call me, but it's typically mom who initiates it). and i feel that this is the way to go.
i guess i could choose to be completely selfless, which would mean that i wouldn't even work. because working is doing something that gives you worth (both figuratively and literally), and isn't striving for something for ourselves selfish in nature? but we're ingrained with a motivation to create and to take care of things. i guess somewhere along the way, those internal notions became things that you were compensated for doing. and they eventually turned into jobs.
it seems that very few things have selfless intentions. even if it appears selfless, it may be unconsciously to give you a good feeling on the inside (e.g.' i gave a man my bus pass today' - appears selfless, but maybe i did it to get the high of generosity, etc. etc.)
i don't know.
but i'm switching jobs nonetheless.
drunkard's prayer
a rainy sunday. peter and i worked all afternoon in the garden, getting the oregon soil under our nails. periodically, i wish i were a farmer - to look out over the corn, and know i had to tend to it or the family would not make it through the winter. it's something so simple, but i know i'm completely idealistic about it. maybe we could at least have a few chickens (i believe you're allowed four per household?).
over the rhine came a few weeks ago. i didn't expect to be so moved by a show. but linford's grin made me smile for days, while karin's voice brought me to tears. and it wasn't out of awe or disbelief, but more because the music is so implanted in my past. the songs didn't just accompany me through summer of 2002 - they defined it. and so-forth for 2003, 2004, and 2005. it was more the idea of being so intricately taken through the past four years all in one night with the music. and it made me aware that i CAN feel, and feel passionately at that.
